Soon...soo soon

This sounds positive right? This was in the letter sent to my potential new boss. I have now met everyone in the team except the new boss whose yet to come on board that they want me to meet before giving the offer letter...

" We have identified an excellent candidate that we’re confident fits all our requirements extremely well. We have all met with her and really like her, feel she is right for the job"

Anyway, so this is where I sit in limbo, a kind of purgatory. I have quit my current job and they're steaming ahead trying to replace me. They shouldn't have too much trouble, it's a seemingly glam job until you realise that you will never be allowed to make a single decision, not even the small insignificant one, nor will you be allowed to grow or outshine the boss and you will be shouted down at every turn 'cause by looking too good you make the boss look bad and your ideas are crap until they're palmed off as one of her own - then they're good. Look, it's hard to be replaced in front of your eyes- we literally sit on each other's laps - but I did resign and I'm a big girl with big girl panties and it's the best decision I've made in years - besides marrying the most gorgeous and wonderful man in the world, that is...

I'm not too worried, but sometimes I worry that I should be. I've never known a company to drag their feet so much and their lack of drive and get up and go worries me a little - will we ever get anything done?? Anyway, I had a fab holiday - WAS well rested (Was being the operative word). We went to the game reserve and I even got to see a leoard kill!!! Yessireee! I saw a leopard kill a buck - that's a sign in itself.

ooh ooh oooh - late breaking news. I'm meeting the new MD on Friday morning - I could cry knowing that I will know by the end of the week. Please gawd, let me impress the pants off him!

It's in the stars

For the longest time, I've been trying desperately to figure out in what direction to head career-wise. I've felt kind of mired in my current job having lost a little bit of direction and self belief along the way. This tends to happen when you work for a megalomaniac. To be fair, she's not that entirely...I mean she's not heartless, she's more like the robot with the heart of Dr Snuggles fame. However, she has a little trouble deciding in some circumstances whether heart and head win over ego much of the time.

Anyway, as I mentioned, for the longest time I've felt that it's time to move on but didn't know how to or where to and perhaps the timing was wrong. It's funny sometimes how things seem to happen when they're meant to (often only once you've taken about as much as you could possibly take, you've descended in to the dolldrums of depression and you're holding the blunt spoon to your wrists. Hell, my writing has even been depressing, emotionless and uninteresting when the most wonderful and interesting things were happening in my private life. See, the thing is that if you're not enjoying your work, that thing you do for the better part of your week, when it's not fulfilling - it drags everything and everyone down around you.

So once the wedding was out of the way and all the huge work-related events abated and there was ray of light shining through the forest trees, I began walking towards it only to find that the path was clearer than I had initially thought.

I chatted to someone about it, they put me on to a friend and within a week of being back from honeymoon I had an interview in a really cool company. I've now had a second interview and a VERY lucrative offer. It doesn't matter that I don't feel that the job is entirely right up my alley - I just know now that I have options, that I'm in demand and that I've been underselling myself for way too long. And if that's not enough, I came across an old contact. Someone once sent out an email a few months back with some job vacancies on it and to recommend to friends. At the time I was bogged down in wedding planning, moving house, a huge work-related project, the life change anxieties of sharing my life wholly with someone and I just didn't get round to applying. So going through my mail to get rid of old stuff, I came across this email and against all odds decided to send them my CV and say, I know it's a few months too late but if you still have any of these vacancies open let me know if you would be interested in what I have to offer. She came back and said, sorry no but there's an even better job suited to your skillset from what I can see.

The job would mean a move on to a more middle/upper management level. My initial thought was, 'am i ready for this?' but now I know this job was made for me. So, after a telephonic interview they've asked me to come in and meet the rest of the team and the MD. I'm crapping myself but I'm so excited at the same time...I WANT THIS JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I'm stalling the other company who made me that offer and I'm crossing fingers, toes and anything else that will cross that I get this fabulous job. Help me put the good karma out there people!

Anyway, my point is that I couldn't see the wood for the trees, I felt anxious about a lack of clarity, the financial slowdown around the world and therefore the lack of opportunities to move around (hence the thought that I may have to sit tight for another hell-on-earth year), my lack of adequate skills, my lack of direction, the fact that Christmas time means a lack of job opps to apply for and every other concern you can think of.

And I feel so good about this job, I feel as though it's mine already, I feel like it's so right as if written in the stars...only I felt that feeling just last week when we placed an offer on a house that I thought was meant for us and they turned us down. If I don't get it, then it's just not meant to be and I'll keep on keeping on but I've got a great feeling about it.

I'll keep you posted.....and let you know if my unbelievably supportive husband had to pick up the broken pieces or if he got me drunk celebrating!

Just married

The day before my wedding i was very very stressed. I could hardly shake off this annoying pressure. On the Saturday, I woke up completely calm and without worry...the day was here, I was excited, I was ready!

I arrived with my bridesmaids and brides'man' on a pontoon, which was quite fun. Although a storm was brewing and our hair was standing on end, a bit of a worry as we were the highest point on a metal structure and all that. But, we lived. We got wet, but we lived.

As the pontoon moored, the rains came pouring down. As I made my way down the gangplank, my husband to be ran to meet me with an umbrella, it was so romantic. So instead of walking down this beautiful aisle, we instead got married under the marquees. Which was fine and funny. The minister kept throwing random H's in to his sentences..."do hyooo take blah blah to be hyour lhawful whhheded husband?". I was borderline, I nearly peed in my pants trying not to laugh.

The rains dried up and we proceeded to have the best time. The wedding was so much fun...and our guest afterwards kept saying how wonderful the wedding was, that it was the best wedding they had ever attended. I said a speech in a very unbridal tradition. It was very difficult cause i was very emotional and there was a constant quaver in my voice and slightly tearful the whole way through. But people loved it, that it was from the heart...I forgot to say so much but could hardly get the basics out.

We socialised and danced til 2am and then others carried on. We had a little chalet right at the venue, so thank goodness didn't have to go far. I loved our wedding, we both did!!!

So it's 3 weeks later now. The honeymoon is over (and what a great honeymoon it was). I'll be honest and say that it is a HUGE adjustment, especially the living together part as we didn't do that before. I sway between chlosteraphobia - feeling like my life is no longer my own; to desperately happy crazy in love and wanting to be in physical contact with him all the time. And this pendulum moves between the two at least 10x a day. It's going to take some adjustment and that's the truth.

But, not for a moment have I thought that I've done the wrong thing so it's all good then.

Now, to find myself a new job. I have an interview on Wednesday - wish me luck!

4 days to go!

I haven't been here much, and you'd know why if you'd ever planned a wedding. I do events a lot and even I didn't realise how much work it would be. There seems to be an endless list of little annoying things to do. I'm tired of making decisions - what earrings go with the dress, will you wear a necklace, what will it be, how will you wear your hair, what shoes will you wear, what bra will work with this dress, will you have menus on the table, are you having allocated seating, will the minister need a mic, where will we get a mic, will people be able to hear the music from the tent, do you have extension cords, what if it rains, which way will the chairs be facing for the vows, are you saying your own vows, will you repeat the vows or just say yes, have you written your speech, how long is your speech, who will you thank and who will i thank, will you be warm enough, what will people do whilst you sign the register, who will hold the petals and hand them out, will you do that before or after you've signed, where will you walk out, when will you take photos, what if the sun goes down, where do you want photos taken, who should be in what photos, who will do the music, what will people drink before the reception, where will people park, are you listen to me, are you crazy, arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!! i can't freaking take it anymore.

I want to be married to this man more than anything but the detail is extraordinary!!! Extraordinarily annoying, frustrating, pressurising and getting a little old! And he feels the same. It's like wading through mire to get to each other.

But, it's only 4 days away now. If I weren't so busy at work, I'd probably be having a meltdown. But instead I work til late, then I pack bags, tidy my place cause people from overseas are staying there, out seeing friends out from abroad, wrap bridesmaid presents and do wedding admin til i'm blue in the face. I've jotted down some wedding speech things but I haven't actually written it. EEEkk!

OK, i'll be fine. Wish me luck - just hoping my dress doesn't look like a dog's breakfast and that it fits. Fetching it tomorrow.

When does the fun part start?
Ok, I'm off for a while now. Wedding and honeymoon. Honeymoon in Madagascar - yeehah, can't wait.

xx

Blowing in the wind

My man thinks he's marrying rich. We drew up the antenuptial contract the other day and I'm better off than him, even before you take in to account debt. Of course, this scenario won't last long as he's more upwardly mobile than I am, he gets a much bigger salary and he's a go-getter. I'm not a big go-getter! I'm not interested in climbing corporate ladders and kissing ass. I am dying to find work that is fulfilling and these jobs are usually badly paid in comparison. Which is fine. My needs are little. A few new clothes now and again, get out there and do stuff and some travel and I'm happy.

Hell, I'm even happy to camp instead of 5* hotel it (or I was). I once did an 8 month camping trip. I think back now and wonder how I survived. Particularly after this weekend where we went camping and I'm rethinking the whole camping vibe. It was so windy that the tent flapping left us unable to sleep much, sitting around the campfire was like constantly being slapped around the face with a plastic grocery bag. And to top it off, the Saturday night a cold front rolled in and we freezed our kahunas off that night. Flapping and freezing...not great combos when camping. I was wrapped in about 6 layers of clothing and still I couldn't get warm - chilled to the core. To top it off, my back was sore, a pinched nerve or something and I couldn't find a comfy spot on that thin matress. Misery reigned.

Sunday, everyone just wanted to hop in the car and head home as soon as possible. Which we did. I've never been so happy to be indoors and on my soft, warm bed. Our afternoon nap lasted 2.5 hours. It sure does make you appreciate the good things in life...

I put a clause in the ANC. He can have the tent in the event of a divorce.

Sanity break

Friday afternoon started in a neighbours apartment clinking champagne. She had been on her way quite a bit before I arrived and was telling me how gorgeous my fiance' was [after she bumped in to him for the first time downstairs]! She says I glow around him and when she first clapped eyes on him, she just knew he was the one, that he gives off such a good vibe. So votes are in...he's smashing! Although I didn't need anyone else to tell me that, I know how good I've got it and I thank Die Here every day for him!

Then having lost track of time I got in to shit from my buddies that were there to pick me up. They saw my car and when they didn't get a response either thought I had gotten abducted or fallen off the toilet and hit my head...not sure which. But just short of having the tracker dogs out on the loose, I turned up to have my head bitten off by them and everyone else they'd phoned and gotten all worried too. The mood continued in the car as my friend and driver got even more wound up as we made our way in the dark and rocky roads in her silver beamer
. Getting a little lost and bumping around a little too much for the precious car. Finally, we arrive at our weekend getaway and there's a veld fire burning the whole hillside black. But all started to look up after the first glass of wine. She started to relax and we all began to wind down and shake the city and it's pace off of ourselves. We sat eating cheese, cold meats and crackers, drank wine and talked in to the wee hours of the morning. The next day went something like this too but included sleeping in, drinking tea and eating rusks in bed, reading books, tanning by the pool, jumping in for a split second in to the freezing water.

My friend admitted to having real problems in her young marriage. They're the couple you aspire to be...it really shocked me. It made me think, it made me sad to think that if they can't make it, then who can?!?! It wasn't a nice thought and I don't like to think of things like this when I'm about to tie the knot. But at the same time, I need to learn from other's mistakes and make sure we don't slowly head down that road of degeneration, maybe it's a slow subtle process that's unavoidable. I really hope not. I plan to look at this man forever and be in awe of how lucky I am to have him at my side. I guess we all start off like that. But I'm in this to win this! I think it's important to think there's no out so you're forced to work through things. Obviously, unless you're being abused...there is never a good enough reason to stay under these circumstances.

I also read a book. In fact I force-read this book. Have you ever heard of a book called 'What I loved' by Siri Hustvedt. I know it is highly acclaimed and that's what confuses me. It's a load of wierdy shite! How darn wierd. Sure, the author had a little insight that was intriguing and well thought out but it gave me the same feeling that I got when I was reading 'American Psycho'.

Anway, I'm back - relaxed and excited about the week ahead. I came back to my pining fiance and it was good to be back in his loving arms.

Going going gone...

This weekend I'm going away with my bridesmaids and a few others. We're going not too far from the city but definitely out where you can see the stars ablaze at night.

We're going to braai steaks and drink wine and beer and talk shit. Can't wait. Glad to get away for a weekend from the to-do list with the people I can be most myself with. Gonna miss my wonderful man, haven't seen him much lately but keen to leave the big city behind.

Going going gone...